Hi, I’m Peter Von Fauxson, Founder and CEO of the Emotional Reinforcement Center©, the nation’s leading provider of artificial emotional reinforcement for insecure losers.
At the Emotional Reinforcement Center© we understand that receiving emotional reinforcement is incredibly important for leading a healthy, satisfied and successful life. We also understand that in today’s non-stop, On-Demand, 24-7, drive-thru, Open Late, energy drink, Twitter, Wal-Mart, Netflix, Wii, iPad culture, relying on friends, family members and loved ones for that emotional reinforcement creates an unnecessary burden on everyone.
With our trained certified professional Emotional Reinforcement Coaches™ you can receive the emotional reinforcement you need without having to awkwardly talk about your problems with the people you love.
According to the latest longitudinal studies, most people would prefer to tell their deepest, darkest secrets to a total stranger rather than their parents, significant others or parole officers. And, after significant market testing, we’ve also discovered that 85% of people would much rather receive emotional reinforcement from a talking animal, fictional character or robot instead of a real person.
That’s why at the Emotional Reinforcement Center© we use our unique E motional Reinforcement Compatibility Test™ to match you with the level of reinforcement you desperately need and the type of talking animal, blood-thirsty monster or evil robot that would best suit your unique lifestyle.
Our Emotional Reinforcement Compatibility Test™ matches you with the perfect Emotional Reinforcement Coach™ using over fifty Emotional Reinforcement Compatibility Criteria™ including sensitivity, honesty, communication skills, sexual insecurities, delusions, sleeping disorders, vampire obsessions, susceptibility to being killed by robots, fear of being devoured by hungry monsters, death-related phobias, allergic reactions to trans-dimensional pathogens and any abilities to communicate with ghosts that may or may not be psychological manifestations of repressed sexual molestations, among others.
Using the results of the Emotional Reinforcement Compatibility Test™ our certified Emotional Reinforcement Compatibility Professionals™ will match you with an Emotional Reinforcement Coach™ by analyzing your Emotional Reinforcement Compatibility Criteria™ using our advanced Emotional Reinforcement Compatibility Method™, which was recently named Best Emotional Compatibility Method™ by Emotional Compatibility Weekly.
Don’t believe me? Read these real testimonials from our real customers!
When I relapsed after getting shot after losing my job after starting my drug habit again after lying to my wife about going to rehab after secretly having an affair while my wife thought I was at my rehab meetings, my wife divorced me out of nowhere and took the kids. Life was so unfair and I thought I would never be happy again! But with the help of a seven foot tall horned monster named Thaxlus, I was able to regain my confidence and get back at my bitch ex-wife. Today I have an expensive gym membership and a subscription to GQ! Thanks, Emotional Reinforcement Center©, for helping a giant monster help me help myself.
– David Robertson, Topeka, KS
Before getting a membership with the Emotional Reinforcement Center© I thought that my failure as an artist had something to do with my fear of success or my lack of artistic talent. But thanks to my Emotional Reinforcement Coach™, a 600 year old vampire cleverly disguised as an emotionally insecure pre-pubescent teenager, I discovered that the real reason I was a terrible artist was because a tribe of werewolves have been secretly plotting to destroy humanity! In the sequel we awkwardly grope each other!
– Paula O’Neil, New Orleans, LA
I used to think that the reason I was unemployed was because I never applied to any jobs. Boy was I wrong! Reinforce-bot 2300X helped me see that there were more important things than working in life, such as not working and doing nothing! Today I run my own “Lost” fan fiction blog and spend my days looking at the dumb shit people type into Google searches. How do you get pregnant without having sex?
– Jeff Gerding, West Lafayette, IN
Wow, such unbelievable success stories! If you, like these folks, also suffer from a lack of emotional reinforcement and often find yourself wishing you were a talking bear instead of a person, you’re in luck!
The Emotional Reinforcement Center© offer three different affordable membership options: the Moderately Delusional Lonely Geek© package, which for $36,500 matches customers with the embodiment of pure evil that escaped from the Shadow Universe but is actually kind of easy-going once you get to know him; the Severely Insecure Day-Time Television Watcher© package, which for 47 easy payments of $150 pairs you with an amnesiac who is secretly a doppelganger of a murderous robot prince; and the Hopelessly-Borderline-Dangerously Obsessed With Anthropomorphic Mammalian Anime Characters© package, which pairs you with an abusive, alcoholic beaver with a heart of gold.
With the harsh winter months right around the corner it’s not too soon to start thinking about preventative measures for serious afflictions like Seasonal Affective Disorder and Scrooge Syndrome, which is the leading cause of miserly shut-ins fatally assaulting crippled children with bags of gold coins. This year we’re offering two special premium Holi-deals™: the 40-Year-Old Twilight: The Movie Collectible Card Game Player© package and our festive Has A Kind of Really Creepy Obsession With Santa’s Elves© package.
At the Emotional Reinforcement Center© we strongly believe that everyone deserves to have someone who always will be there to support them, as long as they can pay. After all, our motto is “Wow, That’s Fucked Up! Give Us Money And We’ll Pretend To Help You!”™ Call today for your free consultation, brain scan, spinal tap and complimentary palm reading!
Notice: Some restrictions may apply. The Emotional Reinforcement Center©, its parent company Cousin Bill’s Miracle Elixir© and all subsidiaries can not be held responsible for the success of the program and are not liable for any illness, injuries, death, possession, excommunication or trans-dimensional abductions that may occur as a result. All models are over 18. 18 U.S.C. 2257 Record Keeping. No animals were harmed in the making of this ad, but a talking bear did get a nasty bruise from banging his head on the counter after raiding the mini-bar.